The first couples therapy session – what to expect

Most couples arrive at the first session tense. That is understandable: you do not know what is going to happen, and you are sitting right there with the person things are difficult with.

What happens first

We sit down, and I ask you both why you are here. Not as a formality, but because the answers often diverge from the start. Each of you gets time for this without being interrupted. For many couples, it is the first moment in a long while in which they let the other person finish – not out of politeness, but because the setting requires it.

Then I ask further: since when, how often, what has changed, what have you tried. As I do, I form a picture of the pattern between you, not of your characters.

What most people fear – and what actually happens

"We will be judged." I do not pass judgement on who is behaving correctly. I name what is harming you both – which is something different from taking sides.

"One of us will be proved right." Being proved right is not one of the aims of couples therapy. Nor does it solve anything: almost every argument consists of two perspectives, each of which holds up on its own terms.

"We will have to talk about our childhood." Not in the first session. We start with what is happening now. Your history only comes into view when it helps to make sense of a present reaction – and then only to the extent you are willing to allow.

"We will have to tell you everything." No. You decide what you say. There is no obligation to be complete, and no probing if there is something you would rather not raise.

"We will argue there." Sometimes, yes. That is not a mishap but useful – I then see directly how your pattern works, instead of having it described to me.

How long it takes and how it ends

A session lasts longer than an individual hour, because two people need room to speak. At the end, I summarise what I have understood, and we agree what we will work on. As a rule, you take one small, verifiable thing home with you.

You do not go home with a solution. Anyone who promises that is promising too much. You go home with a description of your situation that you can both agree with – and that counts for more than it sounds.

What you should bring

Nothing in writing. What helps is a concrete situation from the past two weeks that shows what this is about. Concrete beats general: "last Tuesday at dinner" carries more weight than "we don't really talk to each other any more".

You will find more on how the following sessions are structured under how communication in a relationship gets moving again.

If only one of you comes

That still counts as a full first session. We then look at your perspective and at your part in the pattern. It is not half a couples therapy, but a different way into the same subject.

In either case, the starting point is the free initial consultation.